I have been spending a great deal of time musing over the meaning of the "HOLIDAYS" for the last few weeks. That is in all caps because I am talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, the big ones that most of us have pretty strong memories of, and generally pretty strong feelings about. I loved this time of year as a child, but somehow I lost that feeling as I passed through my late twenties and beyond. Why?
My conclusion may not be scientifically accurate, but here it comes...(drum roll please) The holidays have become a time when my parents, siblings, and others who 'keep my history' treat me as the child/young adult I used to be, rather than the woman I have become since leaving the nest. Overly simplistic? Probably. Annoying? Definitely.
Over the years I have managed to complete a Master's Degree and develop a fairly decent skill set. I can speak in public successfully, balance a checkbook, and soothe a toddler. Friends and neighbors call me to ask for advice on interior design, gardening, and parenting. I am a good daughter-in-law. About three minutes into a visit to the home of my teen years and all of those things vanish. I am once again the mediator, the good daughter, and the child with no needs and no desire to rock the boat. I am the helper, the responsible one, and the wallflower. I could go on for a lot longer, but I think you get the point. I am what I have spent so many years trying to escape. So, what good is knowing this about myself? It makes it easier to be prepared to deal with encountering people who 'knew me when,' and to create experiences that allow me to be my true self during the holidays.
This year, we had Thanksgiving at the home of my oldest brother. Same people, but a completely different dynamic. It was a meeting of equals and it could be considered neutral territory since they have generally driven from wherever they are to where they are told to be during the holidays. My sister-in-law prepared a wonderful meal, and none of the guests had to do anything. I have not felt so relaxed on a holiday for at least a decade. I do not want to force this experience on her every year, but some of us found it to be lovely and liberating. Last year we had Christmas on the East Coast surrounded by family that we never spent the holidays with growing up. The first year of our marriage my husband and I could not decide which family to spend Thanksgiving with, so we went to McMenamin's Grand Lodge in Forest Grove, Oregon. Fabulous.
I realize that I will not be able to change the venue for every holiday gathering for all eternity, but I can adopt a different attitude. I can smile inside and take a deep breath when I really want to tear my hair out. I can count my blessings such as being able to spend time with loved ones and actually having food on the table. I can watch with joy as my son runs and jumps and basically creates mayhem with his cousins. Best of all, I can share a wink with my husband when things play out exactly as we expected them to and look forward to a good laugh over a glass of wine later.
Hope you find your bliss this holiday season!
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