Have you ever helped a friend in desperate need of your time or talents and been promised help in return? Have you ever been really less than happy because you performed even more favors for the same friend even though it was horribly inconvenient for you, and when it was time for them to reciprocate they refused? I have done many things for people over the years, generally with no strings attached. In a few instances, I have reached what appeared to be mutually beneficial agreement with friends. In the former case, I have received warm fuzzies that left me feeling good for a long time. In the latter, well, I just hope that my karmic bank account is racking up some interest because I am never going to get the help profferred at the time of the deal.
There is an expression that states something about friends coming into your life for "a reason, as season" or something else highly philosophical to that effect. Well, I think that sometimes people come into my life because I need a kick in the rear-end. I have a tendency to want to be everything for everyone, and that really burns through my emotional reserves and leaves me with very little to give to my dearest friends, my family, and most critically, myself. I am not trying to imply that I should not do things for others because I truly strive to live the "Golden Rule." I want to be the kind of friend, sister, mother, wife, daughter, and person that I would like for others in my life to be. I fall short in this area, not all the time, but often. I get angry and impatient when the people that know me best want things from me because they know that I do not need one more thing added to my life or my stress-o-meter will explode! I get resentful when I think of the so called friends that suck the life out of me with their needs and do nothing to replenish the balance in our relationships. I get frustrated because I do not have enough to give to everyone, and it is quite possible that I am sucking the life out of my loved ones with my needs. So what is the solution?
Firstly, I need to do an evaluation of my relationships. You probably need to do this too. If someone is still in your life just because they held your hair out of your face when you drank too much at a junior high sleepover and puked- well, they may not fit into your current life. If you value a friendship, but it is out of balance, you need to decide how to restore the balance.You may need to end those stalker friendships, the ones that require you to call, email, and send up smoke signals because your 'friend' never initiates contact with you. The relationships I plan to keep are the ones where it seems like we pick up where we left off no matter how much time has passed. The people that I know would show up if I needed to move or listed them as an emergency contact. The people I would mourn if they were no longer in my life.
The second thing I need to do is define the parameters that are acceptable in my various relationships. Parameter One: For me it is okay to have relationships with other families because our kids play well together and we have fun doing group activities. It is okay to spend time with family members because I love them, but not feel like we should run out and buy a weekend cabin together. I can have Foodie Friends, health nut friends, religious friends, older friends, younger friends, any kind of friend that enriches my life. Parameter Two: Regardless of the kind of friend, I need to follow one rule. Give what I am able to freely, as a gift. When I am done giving or feel like I cannot give anymore, I will say "I'm sorry, but I can't." Parameter Three: When it is time for the relationship to end, I will let it go gracefully.
The last thing I need to do to get over my relationship angst is to find ways to energize the relationships that are important to me. My relationships with others can benefit through simple maintenance. Cooking dinner for friends, picking up a phone instead of texting, the crazy twice a week belly dancing class I am doing with my girlfriends-all of these activities promote healthy, energized relationships. Like it or not, relationships that work are a lot of work and need nurturing to flourish.
Find out what your relationships need and do it, even if it requires...consulting with the person you have the relationship with for advice. Do what you can to restore the balance to your relationships, and it will help restore the balance to your life. It may be as simple as sending a card. I am pretty sure that Hallmark must have a "sorry for sucking the life out of you, I 'll do better" card.
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