Broken

Last night we had to take my 18 year old cat, Sasha, to the emergency veterinary clinic. After a couple of hours (She was feeling a bit feisty and had to be sedated) the doctor came out and told us that she appeared to be perfectly healthy, except for having something in her bladder. The "something" could be a mass, a blood clot, or a stone. The vet suggested a return visit to see their radiologist for $370.00. In the meantime, she prescribed an antibiotic on the premise that a blood clot would be due to an infection and that could be cleared up in a few days. I could then follow up with my regular vet assuming they possessed the equipment and talent to correctly do an ultrasound, MRI, or x-ray. Of course her lovely clinic had all of that, plus a lot of specialists as well. If I were a pet, I would definitely want to go there. As a pet owner, I would love for them to do everything possible to ensure that my bundle of non-judgemental love and support has anything and everything that she needs, regardless of the cost. Under different circumstances, I would happily go back sans pet just to hang out in the serene lobby using the Wi-Fi and working my way through the different K-cups they had for their Keurig. The bill for the night was $150.00 since the more expensive antibiotic was out of stock at the in clinic pharmacy. I am guessing that is about $50.00 more than my old fashioned vet with the 1960's decor would charge, of course I would have been in the room to help manage my pet during the exam so maybe that would justify the price difference.  I know that people have pet emergencies all of the time, and my story is not unique. We have had pet emergencies as well, just never with Sasha. This blog post is not even really about the vet visit, more about the chain of thinking that it started.

My mom paid for my cat to see the vet. This was after my husband, son and I spent the afternoon shopping for school clothes with money given to us by Mom, the person also footing the bill for Greyson to attend preschool. She also footed the bill for fuel, ferry rides, and rodeo tickets on our most recent visit to Eastern Washington. She routinely picks up milk and other staples, and frequently takes us to breakfast on Sundays, then grocery shopping so she can be sure my husband has healthy lunches for the week. She has been letting us use her car and keeping the gas tank full for almost four months while the junker that we can't afford to replace has been in for repair. This is in addition to giving me money whenever I have an emergency or she wants me just to go out and have some fun. Somehow, it really hit home in the wee hours-I can't take care of myself, or my family. I am a great mom, and I have a wonderfully confident and intelligent little boy that makes me proud. Despite that fact, my little family has nothing in reserve. If we had another medical emergency tonight, I would have to call on my mom for assistance again. She is eighty, and I am forty-three. How did I let things get to this point? More to the point, how do I get back from this point. Yes, something bad happened eight years ago. Instead of time healing things, I seem to just be getting more and more broken. Being a mom seems to be the only thing I can do with any degree of confidence, but being a mom does not pay the bills. 

Money Can't Buy Happiness

I was in the mood for a rant yesterday when I considered doing some blogging. I decided to wait because after all, my blog is called balanced bliss, not abject misery. So why was I not finding the silver lining yesterday? MONEY. Yes, the almighty dollar was making me feel a bit less-than yesterday.

Many of you know that I have not been working since mid-2004 due to some...unhappy life experiences. My husband has been working steadily in human/court services and we were doing pretty well for the first few years post '04. How were we doing well? I was getting nice checks from Worker's Compensation, then Unemployment, then Mom and Dad. Now it is all hubby, and although he makes a decent wage, we can never seem to make it quite work. Thinking about going back to work gives me nightmares. Heck, I have to steel my nerves and force myself to take out the trash or go to the store if it is dark out. For the last few years we have been trying to find alternate ways to make money that doesn't involve selling organs or otherwise becoming criminal masterminds. I have even become a crazy couponer! A-hem, back to the misery behind this post.

This weekend was my husband's birthday. Birthdays, holidays, and any other excuses to celebrate are a big deal around here. We were just discussing having a celebration for Leif Erickson Day, after all, Andrew is of Norwegian descent. He grew up in a family with little to spare, but lots of pride. I grew up in a family where we did not lack for anything, and if there was trouble we kids sure never knew it. Experiencing things in a big way is essential to Andrew's psyche. Making things happen in a big way is essential to mine. This is a real problem considering the fact that our budget is more free water than beer when executing our champagne dreams. This also makes us inherently blue, even when we are happy on the surface.

Thanks to my Mom, we had a wonderful visit to Portland for Andrew's birthday. We went to The Grotto for mass, had a delicious lunch and watched live Hula at a place called Ohana, and played at the Portland Children's Museum with our son. We finished the day with dinner, a movie, and a soak in the salt-water tub at McMenamin's Grand Lodge in Forest Grove before turning in for the night. The next day we had a leisurely breakfast, drove around to see if some of Andrew's college haunts still existed, then made our way back home with a few stops on the way for lunch and liquor, window shopping, and ice cream. I know this sounds great, and it was great, but it still was not quite right. We couldn't pick up the crazy mermaid birdbath we fell in love with or a bottle of the Monkey Puzzle Brandy at the distillery we visited. We could not add a visit to the Portland Zoo and OMSI to day two of our trip. We could not splurge on winter gear at Helly Hansen on the drive home or order pizza for dinner when we got back exhausted and not wanting to cook. It sounds bratty and ungrateful, but we could not be the old us, and we have not truly embraced the new us yet. The whole trip was fun, but in a way that seemed a bit washed out, like a copy of a copy of what it should have been.

I don't have a wonderful summary of what I learned from this experience and what I will go forward with to share with you today. All I can say is that I will try to live each day with gratitude for what I do have, and for all of the family and friends who share what they have with me so freely. I realize there are are people who would love to have my troubles, but that does not make them suddenly acceptable to me. I will try to focus on other things like rebuilding my level of health and fitness, and making every day a low cost or nearly free adventure for my little boy. I will have to suck it up and try to tolerate cooking so what resources we do have can stretch as far as possible, leaving a bit more for fun. I hope all of you can figure out how to make peace with whatever you need to in your own lives so you can save whatever is left of your sanity.

Be well, and remember, "Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable." -Clare Boothe Luce

Just Blood?

Yesterday I gave blood. I know that it is not earth shattering news. Lots of people give blood regularly, but it was my first time. Funny that I have been on the organ donor registry and the bone marrow registry for years, but have never donated blood before now. Maybe it was the fear of rejection? After all, it is bad enough to have people shun you because of your weight, occupation, race, or other reasons, but to feel less than because your blood is "bad" would be terrible. Okay, so it is a pretty ridiculous fear, but there are a list of reasons that blood cannot be accepted including illnesses, anemia, medications, places of residence and travel, and recent tattoos or piercings. Could be a fear of needles? I get nervous before every blood draw and vaccination, yet when the time comes, I always end up wondering why I got so worked up over something that is basically nothing. I suppose it is completely possible that I never had a specific reason not to give blood before, but I never had a specific reason to give blood before. So I am sure that you are all wondering, after 42 years, what made yesterday THE DAY?

For the last year, I have been involved with the Rally Foundation for Childhood Cancer Research. A friend took us to a meeting, and my husband and I signed up to do a half-marathon to help raise money for cancer research in our own community. Throughout this year, we have met many family members and caregivers of children dealing with, or lost to some form of cancer. Desmoplastic small round cell tumor, acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL), malignant, aggressive, rare-these are just a few of the terms we have gotten used to hearing when describing what the children we are running for are facing. Yesterday, we were presented with a way to help these kids without lacing up our shoes and without having to ask those in our community to reach into their wallets and pocketbooks. Our Rally NW Team asked us to simply attend a blood drive and donate in honor of our Rally Kids. What we thought was going to be simple turned out to be memorable instead.

We met a wonderful little girl and her family yesterday. They came for the blood drive, but they were not part of Rally and had never even heard of it. Anna is five. She enchanted the crowd waiting outside in the heat, and the crew on board the chilly bloodmobile. Her fuchsia polka dot dress and bubblegum pink crocks with the personalized charms were adorable. She had big beautiful eyes, a ready smile, and loved to giggle. She listened carefully to all of the explanations of the medical staff, and patiently stood out of the way while her father went through all of the questions and paperwork which would allow him to give blood for his first time. During his donation, Anna got bored and went outside. Anna had snacks and colored with my son. She danced around the parking lot with her older sister and shared hugs with her mom. What was so remarkable about Anna? This amazing little girl with just the slightest hint of blond here and there on her scalp had already received over 14 blood transfusions to save her life. She was there that day to learn where the blood that helped to save her life had all come from. Anna made our purpose real and the day memorable.

I may not want to run half-marathons for the rest of my life, but I am going to make an effort to give blood as often as I am able. Giving blood is simple. Giving blood can save a life. Giving blood does not require super-human strength or a heroic effort, though there may be some fear and discomfort to overcome. I will never again view this fabulous elixir as "just blood." Each pint I donate will be Anna, Mia, Rhema, or another real person with a real need.

A Bit of Perspective

I was reading a blog post from a former classmate named Megan today. (You can learn all about her at http://meganbosticbooks.com/) She was describing her weekend and all of the tasks left on her To Do list. This got me thinking about my own To Do list. It is amazing how there is never enough time to accomplish everything, no matter how organized you are or how gifted a multi-tasker!

This weekend. I expected to get produce canned and dehydrated, laundry done, and a few more boxes unpacked. I also wanted to search for some sample materials that I am overdue in sending to a publisher. This was in addition to a few hours of volunteer work and running what turned out to be a soggy 10K on Sunday. Did I accomplish my goals? I have a sink full of dishes, a dining room stacked to the curtain rods with totes, and three baskets of dirty laundry that multiply daily. I still have produce to deal with before the fruit fly colony gets any bigger! I also am longing for a few days of sun to return to dry out the outdoor furniture cushions and umbrella before storing them because Summer coming to an abrupt end was definitely not factored in to my list-making and now those chores must be added. To add to all of the chaos, what we thought would be a simple carpet tear out and concrete floor staining led to the discovery of a major ant infestation and structural damage. Going from owning 1,400 square feet to renting 895 due to forclosure was hard, but to suddenly have that space cut down by another 200 square feet at the time of year that we spend the most time indoors-CRAZY!! I do have a fabulous landlord, and hopefully he and his insurance company will get it worked out soon. Hmmm, I guess at least dealing with everything to get the room in shape for me to unpack the rest of our stuff does not have to go on my To Do list?

If there is one thing I appreciate about what my friends share in blogs and on Facebook, it is all of the happenings that seem to prove that no one has a life that follows a perfect road map. My friend Sandra is spearheading all of the Girl Scout efforts in her county and cutting back on other things that are important to her because other people are not willing to take on responsibility. My fiscally responsible friend Michelle, with a new boyfriend, fit physique, and lovely home is recovering from a stroke at 42.  Megan Bostic's dream of becoming a published author is coming true, yet she still has activities to shuttle her girls to, a household to manage, and lots of hoops left to jump through.  The lesson in all of this--it is all about perspective. People say you should not compare your life to the lives of others; I say compare away. I can only be truly grateful for what I have if I recognize what other people do not have. Watching others reach for their dreams, such as  a certain Ms. Lillian starting up a dessert truck with her vegan delights, well, it makes me want to make my dreams a reality as well.

My on-line life leads to both appreciation and aspiration, synergy if you are in to that kind of thing. Thanks for the perspective my friends. Please keep the blogs and posts coming because it is much cheaper and way more interesting than therapy could ever be. Now, thanks to all of you, it is time to toss away my road map and revise my To Do list. I think I will start by adding "enjoy life" and "compost rotting produce" in pen and jotting the rest down in pencil. Hope you can make some changes to your To Do list today too!

I started to blog

I started to blog today, but did not know what to say. Errands to run and gifts to send, before I knew it I was at day's end. I started to blog today, but time simply slipped away. Presents to wrap and rooms to clean, surely inspiration would strike in-between? I started to blog today, but could not find a way. I couldn't share a deep or random thought, without technology I was surely caught. I started to blog today, but in sunny Tacoma I chose to play. I'll certainly blog tomorrow, or maybe after Christmas has come. You will see a post on this blogspot host to show inspiration has won!

Seems, I found the time to write something after all...

No matter if/when/how you celebrate, may your holidays be filled with peace.

Unexpected Gifts

The other day I went to the Rosewood Cafe in Tacoma which is one of my favorite spots to relax. Since the little guy was happily ensconced at home with his Nana and a bucket of play clay, I had no reason to rush. The cafe was unusually busy for a late afternoon, so I told Barry Watson, owner and all around good guy, to seat some people in professional attire and obviously short on time before me. I waited an extra 15 minutes for a table, but it was not inconvenient. Imagine my surprise when I was about to dig into to some tasty gingerbread a la mode at the end of my meal, and Barry mentioned that the people I had given up my first table for paid for my dessert. That small gesture left me happily floating through the rest of my day.

I do many things on a routine basis that are part of  the concept of common courtesy ingrained in me by my parents. These things make me feel good, and they demonstrate my respect for others. I hold the door for people, and thank them when they hold the door for me. I let that person miraculously escaping Costco with one item go ahead of me in line. I try to finish library books and return them quickly so someone else can enjoy them. I don't skip the gore and believe in the "zipper effect" when driving and merging. The list goes on, but the whole point is this: little gestures can make a big difference in someones day.

We all have the power to create lasting change. If we simply incorporated daily acts of courtesy into our lives, the effect would ripple outward and our world would become better. I am not talking about random acts of kindness like slipping a twenty into the Salvation Army Bucket. I am talking about the mundane, taken for granted, everyday things that all of us can do. Pick up that gum wrapper that slips out of your pocket. Smile at someone and tell them to have a nice day. Use words such as "please, thank you, and you are welcome." Give up your seat on the bus for an elderly person or a pregnant woman. Do whatever it is that you are moved to do.

The more things that you find to do for others, the more satisfaction you will find in yourself. It does not matter if you are closing the open freezer door at the market, or returning the five dollar bill you saw someone drop. Go forth and be courteous. Every positive choice you make will have an impact. You may never even know it, but sometimes someone else does something to remind you, like buying dessert.

A Few Thoughts on Friendship

Have you ever helped a friend in desperate need of your time or talents and been promised help in return? Have you ever been really less than happy because you performed even more favors for the same friend even though it was horribly inconvenient for you, and when it was time for them to reciprocate they refused?  I have done many things for people over the years, generally with no strings attached. In a few instances, I have reached what appeared to be mutually beneficial agreement with friends. In the former case, I have received warm fuzzies that left me feeling good for a long time. In the latter, well, I just hope that my karmic bank account is racking up some interest because I am never going to get the help profferred at the time of the deal.

There is an expression that states something about friends coming into your life for "a reason, as season" or something else highly philosophical to that effect. Well, I think that sometimes people come into my life because I need a kick in the rear-end. I have a tendency to want to be everything for everyone, and that really burns through my emotional reserves and leaves me with very little to give to my dearest friends, my family, and most critically, myself. I am not trying to imply that I should not do things for others because I truly strive to live the "Golden Rule." I want to be the kind of friend, sister, mother, wife, daughter, and person that I would like for others in my life to be. I fall short in this area, not all the time, but often. I get angry and impatient when the people that know me best want things from me because they know that I do not need one more thing added to my life or my stress-o-meter will explode! I get resentful when I think of the so called friends that suck the life out of me with their needs and do nothing to replenish the balance in our relationships. I get frustrated because I do not have enough to give to everyone, and it is quite possible that I am sucking the life out of my loved ones with my needs. So what is the solution?

Firstly, I need to do an evaluation of my relationships. You probably need to do this too. If someone is still in your life just because they held your hair out of your face when you drank too much at a junior high sleepover and puked- well, they may not fit into your current life. If you value a friendship, but it is out of balance, you need to decide how to restore the balance.You may need to end those stalker friendships, the ones that require you to call, email, and send up smoke signals because your 'friend' never initiates contact with you. The relationships I plan to keep are the ones where it seems like we pick up where we left off no matter how much time has passed. The people that I know would show up if I needed to move or listed them as an emergency contact. The people I would mourn if they were no longer in my life.

The second thing I need to do is define the parameters that are acceptable in my various relationships. Parameter One: For me it is okay to have relationships with other families because our kids play well together and we have fun doing group activities. It is okay to spend time with family members because I love them, but not feel like we should run out and buy a weekend cabin together. I can have Foodie Friends, health nut friends, religious friends, older friends, younger friends, any kind of friend that enriches my life. Parameter Two: Regardless of the kind of friend, I need to follow one rule. Give what I am able to freely, as a gift. When I am done giving or feel like I cannot give anymore, I will say "I'm sorry, but I can't." Parameter Three: When it is time for the relationship to end, I will let it go gracefully.

The last thing I need to do to get over my relationship angst is to find ways to energize the relationships that are important to me. My relationships with others can benefit through simple maintenance. Cooking dinner for friends, picking up a phone instead of texting, the crazy twice a week belly dancing class I am doing with my girlfriends-all of these activities promote healthy, energized relationships. Like it or not, relationships that work are a lot of work and need nurturing to flourish.

Find out what your relationships need  and do it, even if it requires...consulting with the person you have the relationship with for advice. Do what you can to restore the balance to your relationships, and it will help restore the balance to your life. It may be as simple as sending a card. I am pretty sure that Hallmark must have a "sorry for sucking the life out of you, I 'll do better" card.